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mind wars [23 Mar 2007|09:44am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | in class ] its hard to really call you sometimes. because i know that i want to, but i know that you hate me. i really cant let anything go, because i am living in my old life without you by my side. so im fucking up really bad like ive always done. and when sorry just isnt enough, i cut you done again. with big giagantic sharp metal scissors, i cut away your flesh and then naw on the bones. because i can't get that taste out of my mouth, its sick and it savors for years. I cant stand that im this way. i know i through it all the fuck away. for what good reason? for no good reason. i dont deserve anything from anyone. i dont deserve you i dont deserve you how many times do i have to question myself? walk on eggshells around myself? i have nothing to be scared of but broken hearts and rose petals. but i have caused a fucking war. blood guts eveything that i have built ive torn. my bridge has crumbled and you stayed on the other side. but i am building everything by hand and heart from the bolts to the wires to every splinter in the wood. i want to spill as much blood as i caused you. no looking back no looking back its almost done.

[05 Oct 2006|01:08pm] why the fuck is everyone so MEAN??????????

home alone and bored [12 Jul 2006|06:29pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | paramore ] -And here we go again With all the things we said And not a minute spent To think that we'd regret So we just take it back, These words and hold our breath Forget the things we swore we meant I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright And here we go again With all the things we did And now I'm wondering Just who would I have been To be the one attached At all times to your hip?- --------------------- somehow everything's gonna fall right into place if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday if only time flew like a dove we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love this time we're not giving up let's make it last forever screaming "hallelujah" we'll make it last forever holding onto patience, wearing thin I can't force these eyes to see the end

finally the day has come [14 Jun 2006|05:55pm] [ mood | accomplished ] i am graduating on friday it went to fast and ill miss all the people that meant alot to me those four years no one from my school though just the people i have met i am moving on to bcc to major in environmental science for 2 yrs then to rutgers for 4 to 5 yrs to get my phd for animals ,hopefully i get there

Carson McCullers [10 Mar 2006|11:47am] This city, New York-consider the people in it, the eight million of us. An English friend of mine, when asked why he liked it here because he could be so alone. While it was my friend's desire to be alone, the aloneness of many Americans who live in cities is an involuntary and fearful thing. It has been said the loneliness is the great American malady. What is the nature of this loneliness? It would seem essentially to a quest for identity. To the spectator, the amateur philosopher, no motive among the complex ricochets of our desires and rejections seems strong or more enduring than the will of the individual to claim his identity and belong. From infancy to death, the human being is obsessed by these dual motives. During our first weeks of life, the question of identity shares urgency with the need for milk. The baby reaches for his toes, then explores the bars of his crib; again and again he compares the difference between his own body and the objects around him, and in the wavering, infant eyes there comes a pristine wonder. Consciousness of self is the first abstract problem that the human beings solves. Indeed, it is this self-consciousness that removes us from lower animals. This primitive grasp of identity develops with constantly shifting emphasis through all our years. Perhaps maturity is simply the history of those mutations that reveal to the individual the relations between himself and the world in which he finds himself. After the first establishment of identity there comes the imperative need to lose this new-found sense of separateness and to belong to something larger and more powerful than the weak, lonely self. The sense of the moral isolation is intolerable to us. In the Member of the Wedding the lonely twelve-year old girl, articulates this universal need:" The trouble with me is that for a long time i have just been and I person. All people belong to a WE except me. Not to belong to a WE makes you too lonesome." Love is the bridge that leads from the I sense to the WE, and there is a paradox about personal love. Love of anothing individual opens a new relations between the personality and the world. The lover responds in a new way to nature and may even write poetry. Love is affirmation; it motivates the yes responses and the sense of wider communication. Love casts out fear, and in the security of this togetherness we find contentment, courage. We no longer fear the age-old haunting questions:"Who am I?" "Where am I going?"- and having cast out fear, we can be honest and charitable. For fear is a primary source of evil. And when the question "Who am I?" recurs and is unanswered, then fear and frustration project a negative attitude. The bewildered soul can answer only: "Since I do not understand who i am I only know what i am NOT. The corollary of this emotional incertitiude is snobbism, intolerance and racial hate. The xenophobic individual can only reject and destroy, as the xenophobic nation inevitably MAKES WAR. The loneliness of Americans does not have its source in xenophobia; as a nation we are an outgoing people, reaching always for immediate contacts, further experience. But we tend to seek out things as individuals, alone. The European, secure in his family ties and rigid class loyalties, knows little of the moral loneliness that is native to us Americans. While the European artists tend to form groups or aesthetic schools, the American artist is the eternam maverick-not only from society in the way of all creative mind, but withing the orbit of his own art. Thoreau took to the woods to seek the ultimate meaning of his life. His creed was simplicity and his modus vivendi the deliberate stripping of external life to the Spartan necessities in order that his inwar life could freely flourish. His objective, as he put it, was to back the worl into a corner. And in that way did he discover "What man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate." On the other hand, Thomas Wolfe turned to the city, and in his search for the lost brother, the magic door. He too backed the world into a corner, and as he passed among the city's millions, returning their stares, he experienced, "THAT SILENT MEETING IS THE SUMMARY OF ALL THE MEETINGS OF MEN'S LIVES" Whether in the pastoral joys of country life or in the labyrinthine city, we Americans are always seeking. We wander, question. But the answer waits in each seperate heart- the answer of our own identity and the way by which we can master loneliness and feel that at last WE belong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true. If you keep on telling your friends that we're through. I've got nothing here but loneliness Holes in walls and bleeding fists. My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song. Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone. Won't listen to myself or anyone. You got on a plane and off you went. You're never coming back again. I'm trying to convince myself it's true. Convincing myself I'll be just fine without you. I'll be here telling myself it's true. I sit here trying to convince myself it's true. But you keep on pretending you have no clue. I'd kill for you and eat the flesh. Give you the heart and burn the rest. A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but I'll be just fine without you I'll be here telling myself I'll be just fine without you I'll be here telling myself it's true. ----------- I'll grab the boat if you go grab the anchor, The tarp and twine and the weights that sank her. They weren't enough look who showed up A new light shed is shining through. Illuminating you as we lay Side by side, dead and broken Our lives aren't the same since the night yours went stolen. Blood ran black beneath the moonlight. Your lover's blood ran cold, Cutting off the hands he used to hold. ------------

got tickets for these shows [07 Mar 2006|05:40pm] against me and alkaline trio avenged sevenfold and coheed and cambria lifetime strike anywhere stretch arm strong saves the day and paint in black CANT WAIT TO SEE LIFETIME AND STETCH ARM STRONG AND STRIKE ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!

someone wise once told me..... [04 Mar 2006|11:10am] [ music | alkaline trio ] your insecurities, fears, and tendency to lie and make excuses are reminding me of why it's impossible for you to have a relationship thankyou i learned the first couple chords of the Alice in Chains song Heaven beside you... im gonna play it for my mom on her birthday or try to anyway... im getting alot better at guitar now though i know how to read all the notes and i like playing because i have alot of stuff on my mind i even wrote a song by myself .... it has like three chords in it but i still like it... i have alot of alone time for the past couple of years. It has really made me look in on my life and see all the shitty things that i have done to people, and i think it kills me the most that i know no matter what i do i can never make it up... ever. But its something i have come to terms with and learn to kind of understand why i was so naive and dumb... because all in all that what i was DUMB stupid senseless motionless heartless spineless. I wish these stupid dreams would go away. Im old in everyone, like fifty years old, usually with someone else but mostly just feeling alone in my dreams... walking in feilds or foreign countries, I cant wait to start my life. I cant wait to go to school, i cant wait to get an apartment with heather by ourselves, I really love that girl more than anything, she is one of the best friends i could ever have. The only one that really understands me and gives me comfort about all of my mistakes. Its really easy to be a peice of shit, but it really makes you proud when you make some sort of path for yourself and hit the goals that you want. I may still be a little fucked up, everyone is, maybe me more than other. i think i am just afraid of being alone. But that is what i need the most. to be alone and to figure out myself. I cant really say sorry for any of that shit ive done. But i can mean and i do say it in my head every single day of my life, everything now is done because of that, i do get lost sometimes but i always know my priorities and thats something i cant lose touch from when i think of my life five years from now i see me alone and happy in my own apartment with my animals and being proud of who i am. Thats what i want to really say i am a good person but i know im not. Im sometimes hard on myself to the point where i emotionally harrass myself and yell at myself and i hate being in my own skin. i wish i was just a different person in a different place with a totally different life i hate florence and everything it has done and brought in my life. i need to get out of this shithole. i need to go do what i love the most i want to be a animal cop and a peircer and i am making an effort to do that i dont even smoke weed that much anymore, i guess everything gets old.... that would sooner or later i havent drank in god knows how long and been to a real party. I just think that i dont deserve fun right now i deserve to work hard because i have never really worked hard for anything. Ive taken everything for granted and what i regret the most is not being there for the two people that meant alot to me in my life. the other day i really needed to apologize to my mother, for never being there in her really hard time a couple years ago, i just left and never came home. I should have cared more. and i should have been with her every waking moment no matter how mad at her i was and no matter how many stupid things she did, because i have put people through alot too i should have been there for him through his rough time too that what unconditional love is, and i will always have that for him. But i know sometimes people just will never forgive you, and right now i understand totally and morally of why i was so withdrawn into myself. i was selfish and fucking stupid

[03 Mar 2006|05:54pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | clutch ] My ex ... hates me Maybe I should ... try to get hit by a bus today I love ... sleeping I don't understand... people I lost my... youth People would say that.. i smell bad Love is ... for people who want to enter an incredibly difficult time ha Somewhere, someone (of the opposite sex) is ... has ice cream on his penis waiting for his dog foo foo to come lick it off I will always ... love animals Forever is... never I never want to ... get my tonsils out again! I think the current President.. is brain dead When I wake up in the morning I... drink coffee Life is full of... experience My past is incredibly... sad I get annoyed when .... no one has time Parties are for... special occasions only I wish ... i had 500 dollars on my mac card My dog is ... big oafy and annoying My cat is ... my cat(s) are like my best friends Kisses are the worst when ... i dont like the person Tomorrow I'm going to ... take strays to the shelter I really want ... to have a whole night by myself watching horror movies and CNN senate and rep. I have low tolerance for people who... talk too much about nothing, aren't open minded, are capable of being very deceitful If I had a million dollars... i would take people on a missionary to different parts of the world and start my own human and animal welfare advocacy group 1. You're Infected. Your Top 8 has the cure. One must die. Choose?: me 2. What Myspace friend knows the REAL you best?: i dont have a myspace 3. Describe a typical Monday for you?: wake up at 630 go to school with alyssa go to work study read play guitar sleep 4. Any odd routines you follow when you wake up? i have a cigarette 5. If alcohol was banned worldwide, what would your reaction be? where are the alcohol dealers at? 6. When was the last time you cried? yesterday 7. Your CD collection is going to be reposessed. You may keep one. Name it?: Alkaline Trio EP For Your Lungs Only 8. Do you believe world peace is possible?: hell no 9. I'm a genie. Name your wish (Money and Love cannot be granted)?: lindsy lohan impaled 10. Name one thing about the OPPOSITE sex that automatically turns you off?: thick eyebrows 12. Speaking of SAME sex, what do you think of Brokeback Mountain?: Didnt see it 13. What popular phrase do you find to be incredibly annoying?: hmm.... i hate when people say like too much in one sentence repetitivley 14. Regarding sexual needs, do you let a person know what you want?: hmm i dunno 15. Leatherface is in the kitchen. Will you fight to victory, or hide? take pictures and make friends 16. Do you feel that people underestimate you? all the time 17. Was it just me, or did Mariah lipsync half her performance at the Grammys? yeah i dont watch the grammys 18. Honestly, do you talk about Myspace in real life? maybe sometimes just becuase everyone has one 19. Have you met someone online in person? uhm not on purpose 20.When it comes to cybersex, are you game? ew fuck no 21. Do you believe minimum wage should be raised? YES 22. If someone at a bar gives you "the look" how do you respond to it? with a dirty one 23. Desperation happens. Do you take advantage of desperate people? ? 24. Pretend you're 15 deep in beers. Describe what you would be doing now? passed out somewhere 25. Sometimes people get depressed. Are you the one they turn to? Why? yeah im easy to talk to about personal stuff its just my personal life is a mess 26. Describe your "style"? outgoing 27. Describe what your "type" is? it varies whoever is capable of dealing with me 28. Love and Sex go together. Would you have sex if no love was involved? def. not love is always there if i let you that close 29. Does everyone in your life know the real you? no only i do 30. What is something you're afraid of (Be more creative than "Snakes")?: being totally alone L A S T P E R S O N W H O 1. Slept in your bed besides you? clyde 2. Saw you cry? josh 3. Went to the movies with you? courtney maybe 4. You went to the mall with? my mom 5. You went to dinner with? i had breakfast with heather and lyssa 6. You talked on the phone? the bank 7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? my mom haha just now 8. Broke your heart? josh 9. Made you laugh? my cat casey cause shes a fat tub W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R 1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose 2. Be serious or be funny? both 3. Drink whole or skim milk? soy milk 4. Die in a fire or drown? fire 5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? enemies A R E Y O U 1. Simple or complicated? complicated 2. Sexually Frustrated? wow 3. Hardcore? totally DO YOU PREFER. 1. Flowers or candy? flowers 2. Gray or black? black 3. Color or Black and white photos? black and white 4. Lust or love? both 5. Sunrise or sunset? sunrise, always has memories 6. M&Ms or Skittles? m&ms 7. Staying up late or waking up early? staying up late A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y 1. Do you like anyone? yeah 2. Do they know it? yes im pretty sure D O Y O U P R E F E R. . 1. Sun or moon? moon 2. Winter or Fall? fall 3. Left or right? right 4. 10 acquaintances or having 2 best friends? 2 best friends 5. Sun or rain? rain 6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? stawberry 7. Vodka or Jack? oh god not whiskey BLAH A B O U T Y O U 1. What time is it? 619pm 2. Name? rachel 3. Nickname(s): rachez 4. Where were you born? palm beach florida 6. What do you want? a car and a new bc 7. Where do you want to live? africa 8. How many kids do you want? none 9. What would you want to name a girl? i dunno 10. What wouuld you want to name a boy? dont know 11. You want to get married? yes U N I Q U E 1. Nervous Habits: shaking my foot, biting my nails 2. Are you double jointed? yes in my fingers and elbows 3. Can you roll your tongue? no 4. Can you raise one eyebrow? no 5. Can you cross your eyes? yes 6. Do you make your bed daily? yes 7. Which shoe goes on first? right 8. What jewelry do you wear? septum ring lip ring earings O T H E R 1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl that shit 2. Have you ever eaten Spam? ah thankfully no 3. Favorite ice cream: coffee 4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? three 5. What's your favorite non-alcoholic beverage? doctor pepper and double shot expressos 6. Do you cook? HELL no i want to go see the hills have eyes i need big socks that are warm i want my heater to work and i just ordered shoes. anothing fifty bucks gone to me being bored three days off next week i gotta check out some colleges that offer peircing seminars for my certificate and then hopefully in two years i will be on my way to getting five different certifications for being an animal cop and or working for the DEP i let mormons talk to me for like a half an hour today i got in a really long discussion with them.... it was kinda cool to talk to someone that had something to say back that was actucally educated on their religion. i think they were kind of leary of me though... i do come off odd

wow i just found this cd..... makes me really sad [30 Jan 2006|10:58pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | alkaline trio ] it hasn't been that long since we drank to the sunset, until it was gone. and down with it went our pain and fear, as we slowly broke contact more and more, with every beer. and we passed out in each other's arms, both admitting we'd never felt better. never felt so warm. but awoke in each other's eyes, without wearing a stitch of clothing. we were both deeply in disguise. and maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. hell knows where your heart would be today. maybe with me. it seems like it's been so long since we kissed through the darkness, until it was dawn. up with it came our pain and fear that we'd already lost each other. we both knew that the end was near. maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. hell knows where your heart would be today. maybe with me.

[08 Jan 2006|02:00pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | dhc ] so i ended up seeing King Kong... which wasn't my choice but lauren and courtney convinced me. it was better than i expected but i still knew the whole story, so i don't know if i was that amazed. i still want to see dick and jane....

[07 Jan 2006|06:28pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | non ] tonight im going to see Dick and Jane with Courtney and Lauren. i hope this is as funny as it looks....

The world is ruthless, misconconception is our reception, you will always succumb. [11 Dec 2005|11:59pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | clyde is meowing in my face ] "Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in the comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by a passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand." - Aldous Huxley

[07 Dec 2005|08:55am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | econochrist ] fresh start

[27 Jul 2005|12:53am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | clutch ] 1. Name: rachel 2. Nicknames: rach 3. Birthday: jan 22 88 4. Place of Birth: palm beach, florida 5. zodiac Sign: aquarius 6. Male or Female: female 7. Grade: 12 8. School: fhs 9. Occupation: student soon to be employed BOO 10. Residence: jersey 11. ScreenName: kissmeminuet ___Your Appearance___ 12. Hair Color: blonde,black 13. Hair Length: bangs,shoulders 14. Eye color: blue 15: Style: comfortable 16. Height: 5'1 17. Braces?: no 18. Glasses?: nope 19. Piercings: nose ears 21. Righty or Lefty: righty ___Your 'Firsts'___ 22. First best friend: uhm my sister 23. First Award: softball awards 24. First Sport You Joined: softball 25. First pet: scarlet<3 26. First real vacation: out in the middle of nowhere in upstate ny 27. First concert: counting crows at the zoo in nebraska 28. First Love: chris whaley ___ Favorites___ 29. Movie: lost boys ect..... 30. TV Show: family guy,simpsons,cops 31. Color: black red i dont care 32. Rapper: tupac 33. Band: alkaline trio 34. Song Right Now: strike anywhere 35. Friend: a couple 36. Candy: resses pieces, and cherry mashes 37. Sport to Play: softball 38. Restaurant: fridays! 39. Favorite brand to wear: what? 40. Stores: red white and blue, h&m uhmm pacsun 41. School Subject: history 42. Animal: cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 43. Book: fear and loathing 44. Magazine: uh i dont know what i buy? 45. Shoes: regular black vans ___Currently___ 46. Feeling: shitty 47. Single or Taken?: boo relationships, fuck guys 48. Have a crush: yes 49. Eating: no 50. Drinking: dr pepper 53. Listening: clutch 54. Thinking About: someone 55. Wanting: to sleep 56. Watching: the screen 57. Wearing: alk3tank top, black shorts ___Your Future___ 58. Want Kids?: no 59. Want to be married?:yes 60. Careers in Mind: something with animals 61. Where do you want to live: city, anywhere with someone i love 62. Car: one would be nice ___Which is better with the Sex of your chioce___ 63. Hair color: whatever 64. Hair length: whatever 65. Eye color: whatever 66. Measurements: ok that has to be big 67. Cute or sexy: i dont care 68. Lips or Eyes: eyes Hugs or Kisses: kisses! 69. Short or Tall: everyones taller than me 71. Easygoing or serious: both 72. Romantic or Spontaneous: both 73. Fatty or Skinny: i dont care 74. Sensitive or Loud: both 75. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship 76. Sweet or Caring: caring 77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: more cautious one ___Have you ever___ 78. Kissed a Stranger: definatly not 79. Had Alcohol: yup 81. Ran Away From Home?: yup 82. Broken a bone: my fingers 83. Got an X-ray: nope 84. Been with someone: yes 85. Broken someone's Heart: unfortunatly i fuckin did 86. Broke Up With Someone: yes 87. Cried When Someone Died: yeah 88. Cried At School: yes ___Do You Believe In___ 89. God: no 90. Miracles: in the sense that no higher power did them, then sure 91. Love at first sight: no 92. Ghosts: no 93. Aliens: maybe? 94. Soul Mates: yeah, but everyone has alot of them, not just one 95. Heaven: no 96. Hell: no 97. Angels: no 98. Kissing on The First Date: sure 99. horoscopes: no ___Answer Truthfully___ 100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have: yep and it really really really sucks!

picture posted for someone [16 Jul 2005|08:31pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | rise against ] you talk about the way things were but I can't hear what you're saying a time when life was not this hard blessed by the innocence is the best yet to come? or did it pass by long ago? are we holding on to a thread of something already dead? Im not your reason to stand up straight shoulders back chest out and eyes raised stepping back, I hesitate I can't let myself be taken the reception fades the signals breaking up and am I moving on or am I giving up? If you walk away from this with anything live your life today. The Fiance was right..................

[17 Jun 2005|08:40am] [ mood | curious ] [ music | rise against ] I never claimed to be something more than me, your standards that I refuse to see, I will answer only to myself, so why don't you police someone else the place I call home isn't there anymore, with boards on the windows and locks on the door, so pick up the pieces that never once fit, let this be the end of it once you held a place for me, but now that I've left you went and gave up my seat, don't expect me to share your visions of life, I'll take the my chances somewhere else the place I call home isn't there anymore, with boards on the windows and locks on the door, so pick up the pieces that never once fit, let this be the end of it give me the green light to get on with my life, pick up the pieces then roll the fucking dice I live in exile of you, your key no longer fits, because the locks on my life are new

A romantic plastic piece of shit you can mold [10 Jun 2005|04:01pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | alkaline trio - smoke ] Over and out of it for one more plane ride out I'm not sure I never what to this would all aside it would Wait here a month or two will pass I'm sure I won't Fade dear enough to give you by until we're home I'll wait take me home take me home go back do it again take me home take me home go back do it again >favorite song

reoccuring dreams [05 May 2005|09:47pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | armor for sleep ] watching sideways..... and i like it. "I think that if I found a god to me that was so beautiful that I'd do anything for him. I'd do anything for god. Even murder, if I believed it was god, how could it not be right? Because he said it was. I have no remorse for the killer inside of me, I have no guilt in me" and i love this cd. i love beer and sleep. i need a new book to read.... thats worth reading. and i need a new belt. people can be really really heartless. boo life

the younger days [31 Jan 2005|03:03pm] [ mood | cranky ]

Only best friends punch each other <3 [21 Jan 2005|05:17pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | straylight run ] Bitches get stitches

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